Whenever I think about this experience I have to
squint and move my eyes back and forth like I am concentrating real hard. The
kind of hard thinking that smells like toast burning. Curling, white puffs of
smoky grey matter twisting around the skull, knocking to get back in kind of
hard thinking. It’s rough being the sort that willingly chooses to keep all the
bad stuff up front in the window display of their life while keeping the truly
interesting bits and pieces back in the storage area. Dammit! Why do we do
this?
Anyway, when Nate Berkus first showed his stylish,
elf-like face on the grande dame Oprah’s show I was fascinated. I wanted him to
release me from the dungeon of “old lady” decorating suggestions (this is a
WHOLE OTHER story in itself) and help me find my true style. I wanted a
designer middle finger, if you will, that I could display every time said “old
lady” tried to tell me how cheap or tacky the things I really loved are. Take
that ya old bat! Nate likes it and I like it so go choke on your frilly toile
curtains and musty transferware dishes hung just so on the wall. ON THE
WALL! Dishes on the wall scream OLD LADY to me but what do I know? I
needed Nate on my side.
Every time he was on I would watch with great
intensity, taking notes, honing my decorating style while also learning that my
opinions about what I did or didn’t like mattered. I found my voice and my
courage to say what I wanted in my house and what I thought was pretentious,
trendy bullshit, designed only to lighten the wallet and not my mood. It didn’t
always go over well but satisfaction was gained from knowing money can’t buy
taste and bullies hate it when their targets grow a backbone. Mine started out
as a flimsy balsa wood twig and grew into a mighty reinforced beam of Brazilian
walnut. Strong, unyielding and shiny. God, the old lady hated that. Thanks Nate!
Fast forward to 2010 and I’m watching Nate's daytime talk show when I see a little blurb about viewers sending in their stories of
overcoming odds to make their dream career come true or something like that. My
memory fails me at times but the gist of this was that I sent in an email to
the show telling the producers how I always wanted to write but felt held back
by the less than supportive people in my life and how I finally ditched them
and started writing in earnest. I wasn’t making any money doing it but I still
felt free enough to actually let strangers read my scribbling. That was huge
for me, a self-conscious, formerly badgered soul that was so unsure of my
abilities.
And…I got a call from the show not long after I hit
send on that email. I was asked to explain more about my dream, how I wanted to
accomplish it and what my road blocks had been. Great, so far I thought, but
then came the shit cloud…Bethenny Frankel.
What did I think of her? Did she inspire me to try to
make my dream a reality? Uh, no. Honestly, if I had to give credit to anyone
for prompting me to get my shit together it would be a 50-50 split between
aging and my therapist, Dr. Tarrasch. A reality show “character” doesn’t even
make the list but I sensed they wanted me to gush about how much she helped and
inspired me because they wanted her as a guest. The true indication of this
came when they asked if I would be willing to stand up and ask her how I could
“make my goal of writing a reality” from the audience. Good grief and lumpy gravy,
NO! But, I said sure! I wanted to be on that damn show!!
Next, I was asked to write a little bit more about my
goal and when I first became aware of Madam Frankel as the paragon of business
acumen and goal reachiness (my own word but it fits) so I did just that. Maybe
too well because I didn’t get any call back and the next thing I know ole
Bethenny Big Eyes is on Oprah on the date she was supposed to be on my Nate’s
show.
What happened? Did she realize she had no viable
advice for me or did Nate’s producers just decide to chuck the segment? Or, and
I think this is more likely, that publicity hag tied her line to the mother
ship Oprah and cut Nate loose at the last-minute. She got a better offer and
ditched the person that brought her to the dance. And THAT is how Bethenny and
many other questionable business entrepreneurs succeed. It’s easy to keep your
high heels un-scuffed when walking on the backs of others.
