I wish you well, I wish you peace

A very difficult chapter in my life has come to a close. Actually, it has been more like a sad coming of age tale mixed with a psychological thriller that borrowed more heavily on the psychological torment and less on the “thriller” part. None of it was remotely thrilling. Challenging?  Yes. Frustrating and painful? Double yes.  Everyone has elements of that in their lives right? That’s what I tell myself now because it helps remove the sting a bit and it also releases me from a potential pity party. Others have had it much, much worse so I refuse to bemoan the “what was” parts of my past and now, prefer to address them head-on, embrace and then release them into the wild unknown to be cataloged and filed by whomever or whatever greets us when we depart this world. 

Yes, by depart I do mean that this is about death. And, it’s also about letting go of the living.

Life is most difficult for those who choose to make it so and for a long time I allowed people into my life who both reveled in being difficult and raged passionately against the label at the same time. No one can successfully have it both ways so my biggest struggle was knowing when certain behaviors were personal and which were triggered out of habit or because of some personal childhood trauma of their own. Of course, there were times when it ALL felt very personal to me and little chunks of my identity would crumble away after each run-in and despite knowing better I internalized a lot of negativity and lashed out in return. I regret this very much and feel genuine pain knowing I am stuck with this knowledge.  And, now I will never get an explanation or even a clumsy attempt at an apology. 

Not that I expected one but it is chilling to know that option is absolutely gone in one instance. Final. Done. There will also never be an opportunity to apologize for my part in that particular dramatic life-play, cast with tremendously flawed characters, which had an impressive 20 year run in my head. The other difficult portion of my past...requires no apology from me, ever.  I understand that I'm being vague about who the main characters in these long playing dirges are, aside from myself but, this is purposeful and done in a purely thoughtful manner. It does no good to speak further ill of the dead or the banished and this act of voicing feelings surrounding such a passing/banishment is less about the actual people and more about me, the time I wasted dwelling on them and more about the collateral damage that was left in our respective wakes. That is another chilling realization. It’s also a feeling I never want my loved ones to have after I draw my final breath. Ever.

So, when I say that I wish a former adversary well, I mean that. Once I was out of the relational loop and away from their day-to-day orbit I worked hard to release the anger and the blame. For the most part I succeeded with this, with a few setbacks here and there, but I was able to let the vast majority of the pain go. I also recognized that the reason I could do this was because I no longer had to physically be around them anymore. That helped but it also let me off the hook too easily.

And, when I say I was “let off the hook” I mean I was no longer forced to have a conversation, antagonistic or not, with my foes and therefore I was also no longer forced to dig deep for the honest and raw emotion behind the animosity. Simply put, no more work was being done toward reaching any sort of resolution because I was no longer legally part of one person’s family anymore and, in the case of walking away from certain blood ties, I was also no longer obligated to pretend anymore. The latter was liberating but also initially confusing since those I walked away from had no idea why. In my mind I thought they should KNOW why but the actual words were never spoken out loud. Does it even matter? Most likely not because I can envision the automatic denials so, I concede to acceptance and keep moving forward. I know I will be judged harshly for it but, that's okay. I will weather the storm.

Divorce and/or estrangement is never really final if the issues that led up to making such a decision are not addressed and even though I thoroughly worked out my reasons for divorcing my ex-husband and moved on with a clear conscience I did not have my final say with his family. Is that even a thing on the in-laws front? I was never sure if I even had the right so I let it slide for years. And now, my say will remain unsaid, which is okay because I doubt it would have really shifted any paradigms, but I will always wonder. Could I have changed the final days of a person that taught me, mainly, to always be suspicious of the true intentions and unscrupulous motives of everyone? 

Doubt is a long lasting cancer that eats away at the soul. I want to put an end to the feast. There is no longer a need to feel anger, regret or even shame over either dysfunctional side. That is all done. It’s over. The end has come and now is the time to gather up my coat and make my way to the exit to walk into the light. I am free. The sky is wide open and now my obligation is to live…and I will, arms held high, eyes wide open and heart no longer weighed down. Free!


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